I've been thinking a lot about money lately, mainly because my debit card was stolen. Well, not the actual card, just the numbers, which is what makes it worse. Like, all of a sudden, shit just started getting deducted from my bank account, even though I had my debit card (you know, the one with the goofy photo of myself) right in my wallet, right in my pocket (purses are for people who are WEAK).
So I ask myself, "Amanda, what kind of person—located in Midlothian, Virginia, no less—would be such a pussy to not even punch me in the face and steal my wallet, but to secretly steal the numbers when I gave them my debit card to pay for some wings and a couple of Texas-sized margaritas at a trashy BBQ restaurant?"
Like, at least physically accost me so I can sport a shiner and look all badass.
So, if I were the type of person who would steal someone's hard-earned money, here's a list of things that I would buy.
1. An apartment: My friends and I always say that we hope to someday have a bedroom big enough to put a chair in. We laugh, but surprise: WE'RE NOT JOKING. My bedroom is the size of a closet. My bed is pushed up against the wall, so there's only one side to get out of, which probably accounts for my permanently bad attitude. There's only one side of the bed to get out on, CLEARLY I am consistently waking up on the wrong side. I need more space. And I mean that literally, not in a "let me try to take the easy way out of this break up" way. I'm like The Dixie Chicks, man. I'm all about wide open spaces.
2. New Appliances: Let me paint a picture of my current kitchen set up: the oven, a relic from the Cold War era, is crammed up right against the wall and the kitchen window. Unfortunately, the oven door catches on the windowsill, so it will not fully open. The first reaction a normal person would have to that would be "Wow, I can never really cook anything major in there, like a turkey or something." My first reaction was, "Wow, I can't even stick my head in there. One less suicide option." Thanks, once again, landlord. You've taken everything away from me, even my means of escape.
3. A New Dresser: Raise your hand if you've ever fell for a "some assembly required" line. Lowe's brainwashes you with its touchy-feely "Let's build something together" ad campaign. They get you thinking, "Hey, I can DO this! There's no weekend project too big or too small for me!" But what they DON'T show in the Lowe's commercials is the reality: you, splayed out on the floor, knee-deep in nightstand parts while wearing a pair of old gym shorts and an over-sized t-shirt from a 1997 Syracuse basketball game. It's a sad sight and what results is a shaky dresser whose drawer bottoms fall out when you put in one too many heavy sweaters. GREAT.
4. A Weekend Home: Come summer, every rich douchebag I know is always talking about how they love "getting out of the city." Yeah, cool. You know what I'll be doing this weekend while you're somewhere in Connecticut living out your life like some full-scale Sag Harbor ad? Laying on my back on the floor of in my apartment in Brooklyn with the lights off because it's cooler on the floor than anywhere else in the apartment. I'd scoop up a weekend home so quick and invite every other Brooklyn-based loser out for the dream weekend of their life. Book your weekend with me now!