You guys have “inspiration boards” and mood boards,” but that ain’t my thang. Here at Design Blahg, we’ve got “Bitch-spiration boards.” Here’s what I’m bitch-spired by today: I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE ON THE SUBWAY.
If you live in NYC and you’re not Mr. Big, you ride the subway. And if you ride the subway with any sort of frequency, you run into a whole hell of a lot of subway douchery.
While “expect the unexpected” is certainly the motto of any NYC commuter, there *is* some shit that you know you can count on (I’m looking at you teenaged hip hop troupe selling m&m’s).
So yeah: If you have any aspirations to be a subway douche, here’s all the shit you’ll need to get started!
1.Gigantic fucking backpack ($79.99): It might be a lil on the pricey side, but trust: this is the NUMBER ONE tool every subway douche worth his salt needs, so it really is worth investing in the biggest one you can get your hands on. It’s best to stuff that SOB with books, and other heavy objects, particularly anything that tends to jut out sharply. You must NEVER, EVER, EVER take your backpack off under any circumstances, no matter how crowded the subway gets. While wearing your backpack, try to casually turn and move around a lot…this will provide you with maximum exposure and give you the best shot of smacking the most people right in their fucking faces.
2. Skullcandy Lowrider DJ Style Stereo Headphones ($39.99): You might notice your friends purchasing all sorts of noise cancelling fancy shmancy headphones, but you gotta stay faaaar away from that shit. You need big, cheap, poorly constructed headphones that can ROCK THE FUCKING BASS. Also, these bitches have skulls on them, which basically say to the world: I RULE YOUR FACE SO HARD. The key here is that you need to kinda let em hang off your ears, so as to better annoy everyone around you. Turn the volume on your Zune allllll the way up, and choose songs that are particularly annoying: “Birthday Sex” and anything by Ke$ha are always solid choices.
3. BOB Revolution Duallie Stroller ($569.99): If you don’t have twins, I suggest you get some. Cause really, there is no better way to annoy people and take up space then by purchasing the biggest, baddest stroller you can find. Even if you don’t have two bebes, you could always keep extra bags in there? Or maybe a dog? It’s also best if you choose a stroller that you can’t manage carrying on your own. This way you get to stand at the top and bottom of all MTA staircases staring off at the throngs of people walking by pleading with your eyes for someone to help you. As for the stroller itself, make sure to park this as haphazardly as you can in front of the door. And obvies, ONLY ride during rush hour.
4. The Singing Machine Deluxe Portable Karaoke Player ($69.98): Your hip hop troupe already has their hands full perfecting their Q Train routines, so they can’t exactly be bothered with learning any real songs. Not to worry! This Karaoke machine is here to save the day! Just step on to any crowded train, press “play” and get jiggity while this sucker plays on in the background. Make sure the volume is on BLAST, and sit back to collect your Benji’s.
5. Crystal Deodorant Travel Stick ($4.00): There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to ever use real deodorant when you could be using crystal sticks. The cool shit about these crystals is that they don’t work…like not AT ALL! So basically, the benefit to using the crystals is that you will fucking stink 24/7…even if you are taking a shower (which, by the way, we do not recommend). Again, its best to rock out with this stuff only on verrrry crowded trains. And if you can find a train with broken AC, all the better!
6. Antonio Benderas Spirit Cologne ($29.99): For a one-two punch that no one will soon forget, we recommend pairing your crystal deodorant use with a fine cologne. Layer the two liberally, and you are sure turn heads everywhere you go. If you REALLY want to knock everyone out, there is no better choice than this amazing new cologne from Antonio Banderas: Spirit. It’s like nothing you’ve ever smelled before in your life…and we don’t mean that in a good way.
7. Gigantic bucket of Chicken from KFC (Prices vary): Let this big bucket of chicken be your inspiration, because really there are so many disgusting things you could eat on the subway to make your fellow straphangers uncomfortable. A tuna sandwich from Dunkin Donuts? Shrimp with their heads on? Sky’s the limit! But a bucket of chicken is certainly always a good place to start. Pro tip: It’s best not to bring any napkins with you, and make sure to throw the bones on the floor when you’re done tearing the flesh off. If the mood strikes, dump the chicken out of the bucket into your lap…you could even make a little “hammock” for it with the bottom of your t-shirt. Experiment!
8. Peanut M&M’s ($3.99): Look, I *know* you’re not on a motherfucking Basketball team and *you* know you’re not on a motherfucking basketball team so why do we even need to play these reindeer games?? CAUSE ITS FUN TO LIE, THAT’S WHY! Make sure to bring peanut M&M’s with you and ONLY peanut M&M’s for the ultimate in authenticity. And when you walk around asking people if they want to buy any to help support your imaginary basketball team, make sure to wait an extra beat or two to stare at them after they say no…you know, to let shit reallllly seep in. You gotta make sure that “no means no, right?” R-I-G-H-T.
Well there you have it, btchz! I hope you’ll agree that this is a pretty rock solid product round up of stuff to get you started on your career as a subway douche. YOU CAN DO IT…WE KNOW YOU CAN!