[ROUND-UP] IN MY PLACE(MAT)

When I was a kid, my boring Republican relatives would buy me equally boring Republican gifts.  You know what an eight-year-old NEVER wants?  A placemat masquerading as a birthday gift. 

How does that crappy present get even WORSE?  When it's an "educational" placemat that lists every single US president in chronological order.  Eat your vegetables AND learn about William Henry Harrison! 

What FUN that was. 

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[COOKED] Beaba Baby Food Maker

We all have that one friend or coworker that insists that they are SO BUSY. 

"Oh my god, I'm SO busy," they'll say, returning from their 14th coffee run of the day.  They fire up Facebook and GChat as they continue to list off ALL of the things they have to do.

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.  The definition of "multi-tasking" isn't juggling Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr.  But these are usually people in their 20's whose only responsibility is to themselves.

Let's look at the working mother, who has a full time job, a spouse (probably), and a gaggle of dirty, annoying kids to deal with when the day is done.  THAT is what busy is.  Which is why I have no fucking clue why Williams-Sonoma is trying to market this babyfood maker to the "busy mom" set.

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[COOKED] The Smoking Gun

I've spoken extensively about my obsession with all things grilling-related.  The only problem, of course, is that I live in New York City, where private outdoor areas are reserved only for the especially rich and especially douchey.

Not one who likes to give up or miss out on anything, this bullshit pisses me off.  Like, since I have Broadway plays and endless options for Thai food, I should be okay having to give up cooking with flavor.  I DON'T THINK SO.  

Enter The Smoking Gun...      

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[ROUND-UP] The Salt-n-Peppa Edition

There are two ways I judge whether or not my heart has officially died enough to be considered a full-fledged adult:

1. Whether or not my heart skips a beat when I hear the words "open bar."

2. When I hear the words "salt and pepper," I think "common seasoning ingredients used in the culinary arts" rather than "WHATTA MAN, WHATTA MAN, WHATTA MIGHTY GOOD MAN [YES HE IS]."

I'm happy to report that based on this criteria, I am still more of a college student than an adult, but regardless of my own personal immaturity, I tend to get excited about kitchen gadgets/acoutrements, which sounds like a really boring adult thing to me.  

So, I thought I'd take the time to explore some unique salt and pepper shakers out there for those of you looking to spice things up (GET IT, GET IT?).  Ready, set, gotta get pepp—let's talk about salt, Spinderella.

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[COOL SHIT] Thomas Paul Plates from Orange and Pear

Ahoy, mateys! 

There's nothing I like more than nautical-themed stuff. It makes me feel even more WASP-y than I already am (I mean, I'm wearing pearl earrings and boat shoes as we speak).  Often, I have fantasies of leaving New York City forever and living on a sail boat like in Charlie St. Cloud.  Actually, wait—I don't even think he lived on a boat in that movie.  How should I know?  I only watched the trailer. 

Vague movie references aside, these plates come in a variety of different styles, and because they're melamine, they're awesome for outdoors, kids, or for your stupid goddamned roommate who breaks everything you own. 

Not that I know anything about that last one...

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[COOL SHIT] Sportulas from Spoon Sisters

It may be a little too late for Father's Day, but the good part about fathers is that they always want presents but they will NEVER ask for them.

This is the conversation that happens with my father and I everytime Christmas, Father's Day, or his birthday rolls around:

Amanda: What do you want for [insert occasion here]?

Dad: ALL I WANT IS TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU BUT YOU MOVED TO NEW YORK CITY AND ALL YOU DO IS YELL AT ME WHENEVER I CALL.

You too? Well, tell Dad you're sorry for always being a bitch whenever he calls because you're SO BUSY with these "Sportulas" from Spoon Sisters ($28).

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[COOKED] We Go Together Soup and Sandwich Plate

Cooked is a recurring column where obnoxious foodies can revel in various kitchen gadgetry porn.

One time, I was getting ready to go out on a Saturday night, and my former roommate and her friend were hanging out on the couch in our apartment.

As we said our goodbyes, she turned to her friend and said, "Hey, if you stay here late enough, you'll get to see Amanda come home shitfaced and try to make a grilled cheese!" 

Ever since I've moved to New York, my drunken ritual has been to stumble home and make a grilled cheese.  Why?  Because it's cheaper and healthier than constantly stopping for pizza or diner food at 2AM.  Sure, cooking on a gas stove while you're drunk isn't the smartest thing you can do, but whatever.  I've gotten pretty good at it, too.

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[Round-Up] Urban Picnic

The Fourth of July is upon us, and if you're going to be stuck in the city while people who are richer and prettier than you frolick on beaches and live out their holiday weekend like a Sag Harbor ad, don't resign yourself to some shitty barbeque with charred hot dogs and overcooked burgers.  Don't let yourself believe that the only time you'll spend outside is the few brief moments that you're on your fire escape right before you jump off.     

We've put together a round-up of cool picnic and BBQ accessories (or, acoutrements, if you will) that will help you make your urban picnic so successful that those jerks out in the Hamptons will be green with envy.  Who needs a beach house when you've got a crowded public park swarming with the dregs of society and a collapsible grill?  Am I right?  Am I right? 

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