As if you weren't concerned enough about my Pinterest obsession already, now I bring you this: sometimes I think about what people will assume about me based on what they could deduce by looking at all of my Pinterest boards...and whether or not these things are true. And also whether or not I should be concerned about these things.
Cause a lot of the shit that I think a perfect stranger would assume about me is like a billion percent false. So I thought I would compile a list to make it easier for all my pinterest friends to understand the true essence of moi.
Herewith is a list of shit you might assume to be true about me if you just knew me via Pinterest. I will include a TRUE/FALSE after each item to let you know what the real deal is:
1. I am very, very, very rich. Like mondo beyondo rich.
Mostly everything I buy costs thousands of dollars, and also sometimes I like to eat caviar off of mother-of-pearl spoons (we're talking ACTUAL mother-of-pearl, ppl). Also, I'm here to confirm this shit once and for all: Diamonds are, indeed, a girl's best friend. I wish I could tell you more about how rich I am, but I have to go meet my personal shopper at Bergdorfs to go pick out another fur cape.
2. I am a gourmet cook. Or pastry chef.
I have absolutely no idea how to make this neapolitan cake. Like none.
This is made obvious by the fact that I have about a kajillion and one pins featuring recipes that will make you so fat, you won't be able to get out of bed anymore. Yes, I do have one or two healthy recipes, but those are just thrown in to ensure that you don't think I'm a total and complete tub of lard (TRUE). Anyway, it's obvs that I'm insanely talented in the kitchen and am pretty much a shoe in for EITHER the next season of Top Chef or the next season of Top Chef Just Desserts.
*I've turned on my oven twice in three years.
3. I am obsessed with chocolate and peanut butter.
No! But my husband is.
4. I own a vacation house.
That's my pool! (in my mind!); and that's the kids' room! (in my mind!) (I don't have kids!).
In fact, I do not.
5. I am the sort of person who would dress my dog up as a taco for Halloween. Or a hot dog.
6. I am obsessed with totes.
I dare you to not lick your computer screen right now. Double dawg dare you.
7. I am obsessed with banquettes.
I have never met a banquette that I didn't like.
8. I don't give a shit about animals.
I'm definitely NOT thinking about rolling around on that blanket naked.
This could obviously be deduced from the amount of fur I have, on like every single one of my boards. Basically, if something is covered in fur, I want it. BAD. Obviously I didn't cry when Bambi was shot.
*ok, ppl I don't know what's wrong with me! I love animals! I send money to the ASPCA, and I would never even dream of not getting a dog from a pound or rescue group. It breaks my heart when I see those poor horses in Central Park pulling fat tourists around in the snow as they clutch cheapo bodega roses. And yet I love the shit out of fur! I am obviously a horrible person.
9. I like to give gifts more than I like to get them.
Yeah, mostly. I'm also so obsessed with wrapping paper, sometimes I spend more on wrapping a gift than the gift itself.
*But in fairness, I also rully, rully like to get gifts too.
10. I'm one of those annoying white girls who's obsessed with rap music & hip hop.
"Spread love, it's the Brooklyn way."
*perhaps this list wasn't such a good idea, after all.
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